So let me back up a little....
To our surprise, just weeks after the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to be excited, but instead all I felt was fear. It overtook me actually...consumed my thoughts and I was just worried ALL THE TIME. And I worried in silence. I couldn't bear the emotional rollercoaster of telling people we were pregnant only to then have something bad happen again. We decided not to tell anyone I was pregnant for as long as we could possibly wait (without people noticing). I even lied a few times when somone asked me if I was pregnant.
The baby was due July 16th (elliott's bday!)
We opted this time to have the 13 week blood test called Informaseq that checked for chromosomal abnormalities AND could tell gender. Not knowing the gender of the child I miscarried was really difficult for me and while we had never found out the gender with any of our kiddos, it was just really important for me to know this time...in case I miscarried again.
Over New Years we took the kids to Kansas City and while we were having dinner at Outback Steakhouse on December 30th I got a call from the nurse that I will never forget. I stood in the corner of the restaurant by a back exit door next to a stack of high chairs (it was loud and I was trying to find a place to hear what she was saying...and it was like 10 degrees outside so I wasn't going out there!). And I could barely believe when she told me everything looked GREAT.... and that the baby was a GIRL. I walked back to the table and sat down. Walter was just staring at me waiting. We hadn't told the boys I was pregnant so I silently mouthed to him from across the table IT'S A GIRL, AND EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT. His smile was huge! And then we had to continue dinner with the kids pretending we hadn't just gotten a life changing call :)
Everyone assumes after having 3 boys that you want a girl. And truth be told, I kind of did. But, after having the miscarriage I can honestly say that the gender of this baby didn't matter. I just wanted baby and I would joyfully welcome whatever God felt our family needed. That being said, it was extra sweet to hear that I would be having a daughter.
Five days later at just shy of 13 weeks I started bleeding. I had just began to relinquish a tiny bit of my fear to let some joy in and then just like that the raw emotions of loss came flooding back. At that point I was forced to tell my mom that I was pregnant because I needed a babysitter so I could go for an ultrasound. Not exactly the way I wanted to tell her (me crying over the phone). The ultrasound revealed that that baby was perfectly fine and they didn't really know why I was bleeding. Thankfully it stopped and another followup ultrasound at 15 weeks confirmed that things were ok.
At 15 weeks we finally felt comfortable enough to tell a few people I was pregnant...although we decided to keep the gender to ourselves until the traditional 20 week ultrasound. I still just had some fear in me.
So...back to the photo. At our "typical ultrasound" we learned that our baby couldn't be growing any more perfectly if she tried. Every organ and measurement looked right on track. I cried...and breathed the biggest sigh of relief of my entire life. I was finally able to let go of the fear and give way to the joy and excitement of preparing for a new baby, our daughter. I made our pregnancy "Facebook Official" with that picture and we got such an outpouring of love and well wishes. We did a cake pop reveal for the boys (they bit into a cake pop and looked to see if the cake was pink or blue) and they were really excited to see pink!
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