Loss

Hard words to write, but I feel like I've used this blog to capture big life moments and this unfortunately was one of them. My readership is like zilch too so it's really just more of a personal diary at this point.

In the summer of 2014 we finally felt the time was right to try and have another baby. There was a lot that went into that decision but that is just between Walter and I. We became pregnant very quickly. It was strange though because I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. A week later I took another and it was positive. Things were going smoothly. First ultrasound at around 8-9 weeks looked good and we decided to tell people around 11 weeks.

A few days shy of 13 weeks I went in for a routine appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat with the dopler. The nurse and the doctor both tried. They took me to the next room for an ultrasound. I remained cautiously optomistic because they said it was sometimes hard to find the hearbeat with a dopler before 14 weeks.

The ultrasound revealed our baby's heartbeat was about half of what it should be (normal is roughly 140, our baby was registering at 70bpm). My sweet doctor was honest yet compassionate. She told me that while there was still a heartbeat, she was concerned that this was likely a miscarriage in progress.

We were sent for a more detailed ultrasound super early the next morning at the hospital. The ultrasound dept was running behind and since I was instructed to drink so much water I really thought I was gonna explode in that waiting room. I had to pee so bad that the actual prodding of the utrasound was extremely uncomfortable. The tech was kind but pretty silent. Not good. When she finished I asked if I could go to the bathroom and she said no because the radiologist might want to come in and scan me as well. WHAT!!!!! Lord help me!!!! 15 minutes later she returned saying I would not be scanned again and i could finally pee. When I came back in the room she said they couldn't get ahold of my doctor and she couldn't tell me anything. I was to go home and wait for a phone call. How horrible is that to do to a mother?

We went home. Walter went to work, and I waited for the call. My doctor called a few hours later. She apologized saying her intention was for them to get ahold of her and she would come over and talk to me in person right then (her office is in the medical building next to the hospital). She went over what they saw in the scan and that there was no heartbeat found that morning as well as some other details that they see with a miscarriage.

This was a friday. I was then scheduled for a D&C on Monday. To walk around the entire weekend knowing you basically have a dead child inside of you is one of the weirdest things I've ever felt. I can't even put it into words. I had no bleeding or cramping so it wasn't like I was even experiencing any symptoms of a miscarriage. The whole weekend was just surreal. My neighbor and I took the kids to a playground Friday night and out for ice cream. Walter and I took the kids to an amusement park of all places to take our minds off things and have family time. Just crazy emotional weird. Telling the kids was horrible. That make it real. Xavier was mad/upset. They all asked questions. We tried to be as age appropriate as possible just saying that God decided that he needed this baby in heaven with him. While we are very sad, we trusted that God knows what's best for the baby. They seemed to accept that. In the days and weeks following they would randomly ask if we would ever get another baby. Ugh...

The D&C was on Sept 29th. My dad's birthday. That will forever taint that day for me unfortunately. Things went really smoothly though and the hospital staff was awesome. My recovery was pretty good too. Our baby is actually buried as part of a group through the SHARE program at a local cemetery.

There is no doubt that this whole situation just sucked. But there was also some amazing things in this experience as well. And that's what I want to remember.
- I expected to be angry with God for this. But I never was. I really had a peace beyond understanding about the whole thing. I was very sad, but never angry. It was one of the few times in my life I can really say I totally trusted God that this was the right thing and would accept it. I was also fully aware that people face many more trials than I ever have and that I am fortunate to have had my faith to carry me through. I read more scripture in a week's time than I probably have in years. I just needed it to survive. I needed HIS word to keep me afloat. I was very fearful of falling into depression and scripture was the best way I knew to help guard me. 
 - I have an awesome husband. Grieving together was a powerful (good) thing.
 - We had a chance to show our kids what trusting God can look like even if things don't go your way.
 - Our family and friends rock! To this day I continue to be humbled by the outpouring of love and support we were given. Just speechless.
 - I'm more aware of not taking certain things for granted in life.

Never in a million years did I think I would put a status on Facebook that I had a miscarriage. And I still cringe when I think about it. But at the time it was the best way to avoid 100 conversations that I just wasn't emotionally ready to have in person. I just couldn't.

Life went back to normal pretty quickly on the outside. But I'm forever changed inside in my heart and in my soul. Our baby was due on Good Friday -- 4/3/15. I'm anticipating Easter to be a little tough this year for me but that's ok. There will still be something to celebrate that weekend :)